I honestly can’t believe I let myself ruin things with Ryan this bad. We haven’t talked in two weeks and it’s killing me. I made so many mistakes and was so ignorant and stupid. What the hell is wrong with me. I destroy everything good in my life. I don’t know whether to hold on and or just try to let him go. I have a feelings he’s doing fine- that he doesn’t miss a thing about us, he doesn’t miss me. I have a feeling he’s not coming back. I messed it up so much and I’ll never forgive myself for that. He’s the best I’ve ever had and will have and I threw it all away with my stupid mistakes. Maybe I should just quit while I’m ahead. I’m tired of hurting him and not having him. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m trying to keep my cool, trying not to let on that I’m decaying inside. I don’t know how long I can last like this.